January 23, 2007
Okay, so the rules currently suck.
That would be because, this is basically a vent I created for me... to vent... to you...
Which is no one right now. Kind of nice.
Basically, I wanted to say bright things and have an actual reason for it, not just be randomly spamming up my journal. Eventually, I'm sure there will be other people here, who will do this as well.
I believe in aliens because... I doubt that we could live in a universe so incredibly huge and seriously be the only living organisms there.
That said, I never said I believed they've visited us. If they have, then I doubt that we would ever be told by the government. They won't even tell us they're building a stealthy ninja plane. *recalls b-2 bomber*
I wonder what my religion would be called sometimes.
Okay, I believe in Jesus. And I believe he is God's son... because we are all God's children. But I don't think that he's God.
So I guess I think he's a prophet? A religious leader put on earth for the simple purpose to inspire faith and worship in God, without cruel sacrifice.
Same goes for Buddha, actually.
Except, he was specific enough to tell us, "I am NOT God. When I die, DON'T worship me." *after death* (disciples) Worship him? Let's.
Then there's God. I don't think that God is the grand "King Spirit" most people think He is. I mean, what? How does that make sense?
"He" (or at least those old guys who wrote down the bible. Which I have doubts about the accuracy of) said that we shouldn't worship other people but worshipping Him is good? WHAT?
Basically, I don't believe God is a spirit of all. Nor is he an idea, created foolishly by man.
I believe God is the balance between Good and Evil in the universe. God exists with life and therefore always exists; because as I told you, I believe that we are not the only life in the universe, and there is always life.
Think about it; if God is the Balance, then that clarifies A LOT.
That's why He's everywhere, all the time. That's why life isn't perfect.
And that's why there are both miracles and disasters! Checks and balances, people. God's keeping it even.
So, I think that for every good there's a bad, and vice versa? YES. So... do I think I should balance those? NO.
I think humans exist for God; that life exists for God; as a life, it is our goal to try and tip God, in one way or the other. Thus, I think it prefferable to "try and tip" God with Good rather than Evil; but if I make a mistake, I consider myself forgiven. Without life, there is no God, but there is always life, and always God. And God is never actually tipped; we only try.
I think that the devil is merely another tipper, just a tipper of Evil.
I don't believe in Pure good or Pure evil, either. The only "Pure" good or evil is God, because He is all good and evil. No other can be "pure" because we are part of Him.
That means I don't think that the devil's pure bad, or angels are pure good, rather that they're polar extremes on a scale of reasonability. Even the devil loves something, even if that thing is Evil.
Soooo... yeah. Short summary of my faith. blah blah blah
Faith based on Logic?
August 12, 2007
My head throbs. I feel this stone-like slab in my esophagus. My stomach is heavy, and the hammer in my head keeps on trying to push water from my eyes, but they don’t water, even a little bit. My shoulders feel warm with exhaustion, and a little bobble of something keeps on hopping up from my heart, up my throat, and back down again continuously. This isn’t the first time.
I love you, and nothing will change that. The water coats the surface of my eyes but I can’t break, not yet.
You keep on telling me that I don’t listen to you. But I do. But you’re wrong. You have to be wrong. Because what you tell me, what you keep on telling me, what you’ve always told me, doesn’t make any sense. I can’t see how you can even believe in it, but it occurs to me that perhaps they’ve broken you, and shattered your senses. I was sure they had when I was young, and I can say that I don’t doubt it now.
These are the lies you told me:
1. You don’t listen.
2. Pleasure is last priority.
3. You need to put in effort.
4. You don’t try.
5. You need to organize yourself.
6. You’re irresponsible.
They’re all wrong. You don’t know they’re wrong. They broke you and told you this was right. But it isn’t right. It’s not right.
I listen to every word. Those words are fake. They don’t understand me. Those words don’t listen to me. But I don’t speak. I can’t blame them. I wish so much I could tell you. But I’m scared. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve been told not to interrupt you. No buts. Just listen. Listen to those empty words that don’t know anything. Those broken, meaningless, worthless words.
And very rarely you let me talk. I don’t know what to say to you. I fumble, over the shattered glass. Those broken words. And you tell me again those lies. That I haven’t listened to you.
You say the last priority, of all things, is pleasure? Is happiness? There is no point in moving forward if happiness does not exist. No point in thinking or feeling. It’s the foundation of everything… you cannot move forward without joy. But you say to put this last. You say it because they broke you, and they told you that. That disgusting lie! There’s nothing to work towards. I’ll live and be nothing, nothing but happy, if I must. I want to be happy. For the rest of my life. You won’t stop me. Not like you stopped you. Perhaps, someday you’ll see it. But even if you do, I’m afraid you won’t listen.
I need to put in effort? Why must you push yourself so hard… to do the things they tell you to do? I only want happiness. I will live with nothing, if only happiness. I will work for happiness. But not for them. And not for you. I will work for my happiness. You can’t understand this euphoria… because if you stop moving to experience, you’ll crash to the ground, and you’ll shatter further. You can’t understand the joy of only being happy and nothing else, because you can be happy.
And yet, I’ve tried. I’ve tried for you. I’ve tried for you, to make you happy. But I only ever see the cracks grow ever longer. I don’t think you remember how to be happy. How to be happy, just for that reason. To experience joy just so you can experience. This headache rush that’s too confusing, I’ve tried it for you… But I can’t try the same as you. You push through heavy shrapnel and it’s a wonder you aren’t diced to bits- except you’re already broken. But to pull through this, I have to try; to ride it like a roller coaster. Pure madness, but pure bliss. An adventure work partaking. But you don’t have any fun with these things, do you. You try so hard not to be scared you miss the entire thing. You miss the ride.
Life isn’t meant for sorting. Nothing will go wrong if you let it be. It comes as it comes, because that’s how life was made. Sometimes, you lose things and forget them. And sometimes you discover new things that are better… greater pleasures. You say those are last priority, but why be dissatisfied when you discover something that lifts your heart? You don’t have to do everything in life. I don’t need to do everything in life. I just want to be happy.
I’m irresponsible. I make mistakes. I don’t do what I’m told, or what I’m supposed to do. But I don’t think so. Life comes as it comes, but everyone seems to like to redirect it. Why should I do anything that I am told to do? Am I really supposed to do it? Isn’t it my job to decide which paths I take in my life? I look down at the things you tell me to do, and often, they seem tempting. I think I’ll feel happy. I’ll feel satisfied, if I do them. But you’re not satisfied. You’re not happy with them. Perhaps they’re not so good. If I don’t go down all the side alleys in life, should I feel regret that I passed them? Should I really, if I don’t know what I’d have found? I don’t know if sorrow or happiness lie in those roads. It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. Why look back? There are new roads everywhere… I could never try all of them. I’ll go where I go… that’s it. Is that what it means? To be irresponsible? You don’t try every road… how tedious. The adventure would die so soon as that. Forgive me.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I live to be happy.I really don't know how much of this is 'smart', but here are some pent up feelings that I just had to vent...
April 7, 2007
Listing all my phobias. Some of these I had already recorded and just copied and pasted from before.
Agoraphobia - fear of crowds. I run through them at school. I'm the ditz that knocks everyone over in a hurried rush like somebody's going to die if I don't speed up my act and deactivate a bomb or something.
Aichmophobia - fear of needles or pointed objects. ...I had a bad experience with an IV. I have a friend who's had a worse experience. let's leave it at that.
Ancraophobia - fear of wind. well, it's not so much a fear, as...
...it makes me angry a lot. I'm scared it's going to suddenly appear and ruin my day again.
Arithmophobia/Numerophobia - fear of numbers. Math = I don't understand = OMG AM I GONNA FAIL?! PANIC!!!
Atychiphobia - fear of failing. I am always afraid of failing, and so my goal in life is always to strive to achieve. *sweat*
Fearaphobia - fear of developing fears (or more fears in my case.) I don't want to become a phobic anymore than I make it sound like I am!
Nihilophobia - Fear of (absolutely) nothing. Voidness sounds to me like the most horrible thing ever… it’s worse than loneliness, it’s nonexistliness, and that’s so much scarier.
Quadrataphobia - Fear of quadratic equations. See above please.
Trying to develop names for my unusual phobias. (And, if you think I am joking, I am COMPLETELY SERIOUS. If any of these things happened to you, are you saying you wouldn't be scared out of your skull?!)
Tell me if you think they'rewell formed. They are based on the roots used in other, similar phobias and some Greek and Latin words.
Carmencareophobia– Fear of life without music or songs. To put it simply, I am literally addicted to listening to music and would probably pass out and go into a state of comatose without it.
Logizomechanocareophobia – Fear of life without technology or the computer. I am also literally addicted to going on my computer and actually go into a very weird kind of withdrawal if I go a long time without it unless I am constantly occupied by some kind of distracting work at all times.
Imaginocareophobia– fear of life without creativity, imagination, or otherwise related things. Read the Giver and Gathering Blue. Trust me. It’s life without meaning.
Animafabulaphobia– fear of stories coming to life. I know it sounds crazy, but I just think it would be scary if that happened since I plan on writing a lot of horror stuff. And I’d hate to be a godmodder like that. Also, I totally just invented one of the funnest words to say of all time.
Chiraptoavipastaterasaphobia - Fear of being touched by the Flying Spaghetti Monster
chirapto - being touched
avio - flying
pasta - spaghetti
teras - monster
Chiraptoavipastaterasilithiotemachizophobia - Fear of being touched by the Noodly Appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, specifically
ilithios - noodle
limb, appendage - temachizo
Xenomorphotocophobia - Fear of being impregnated by a face hugger and having an alien burst out of your chest cavity, killing you instantaneously. There is logically a longer version of this but I will formulate that later.
xenomorph - alien
toco - pregnancy, childbirth
...will update at a later date
May 23, 2007
D'ya think... ano... Break down!
1. Relgious Stance
I am thinking my faith might fall under the category "freethought". From what I've read about it, freethought seems to mean simply, faith based on reason and logic. Which I think my faith is. However, it seems to lean towards atheism and agnosticism, which I am not.
As I explained previously, my religious standing is something along these lines:
※ God is the balance of good and evil throughout all of existance with life.
※ The only pure good or evil is God, because God is all good and evil.
※ God is also the judge of all good and evil, both the balance and the balancer.
※ God exists only with life; but life always exists, so there is always God.
※ Because God is the balancer, both disasters and miracles are explained, logically, as balance being maintained.
However, I'd like to clarify further on it.
※ Life always exists because I believe in the logic of the Multiverse.
※ I believe that there are infinite parallel dimensions of the universe.
※ I believe that time is infinite and that it goes in a loop.
※ I believe that, according to the idea that there are both infinite multiple universes and infinite time that there is always life.
※ I believe also that according to the idea of infinite dimensionality, that there is certainly life on other planets as well, that may be different from our regular view of humanity.
※ I also believe that is is highly improbable that we can ever prove in real life the multiverse to anyone other than ourselves, because I believe interdimensional travel must be individual, unless of course you are the same person as another in the other verse.
※ I believe in aliens, because it seems highly illogical that we could live in a universe so vast and be the only planet that supports life.
※ I have my doubts that we have been "visited" by an intellegent species. I think that if we have been visited, by anything, it seems more reasonable that they travelled from a separate dimension rather than a far away length in space, since that is a shorter distance to travel.
2. Story Time?
I want to write manga and novels, and I have MANY, MANY ideas floating around in my mind right now.
This is a note to self, so don't even try to say you know what any of this is (unless you are one of my BFF's! Of course you know!) Don't ask about how these are grouped, either. You should already consider these, "spoilers".
Mad Spider Investigations
Eidolon Amalgam (I - II - III)
Downfallacy (I - II - III)
Vortex Iiya (I - II)
Experimental Soldier 001
Vio x Vio
3. ... (will update later)